The Secret to Feeling Loved
Most of us pursue love by trying to make ourselves more lovable. But in their book How to Feel Loved, happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky and relationship expert Harry Reis explain that the path to feeling loved is learning how to make others feel loved first.
When you show genuine interest in someone, they naturally reciprocate, which creates a virtuous cycle of connection that deepens over time.
The key is to cultivate the following five mindsets:
- Share openly
Real connection requires vulnerability. When you reveal your authentic self, your experiences and private thoughts, you signal trust and invite others to do the same. Self-disclosure takes courage, but it's better to be known for who you truly are than to be loved for who you're not.
- Listen to understand
Most people listen to respond. Effective listening means paying attention, checking your understanding, and showing you care about what you're hearing. When someone feels truly heard, they feel seen, and that's the beginning of feeling loved.
- Get radically curious
Show genuine interest and curiosity in the other person. Invite them to talk about what matters most to them. Research shows we're more drawn to people who express curiosity about us than to those who impress us with their accomplishments.
- Open your heart
We often hold back from showing kindness and compassion because we underestimate how much it means to others and overestimate how awkward it will feel. We shouldn’t. Expressions of genuine care and concern for someone’s well-being helps people feel loved and inspires them to reciprocate.
- Embrace complexity
We are all complex and multifaceted. Our behavior shifts with the context, our mood, and the circumstance. Acknowledging this can help you stop trying to "fix" someone's flaws and instead recognize them as part of a whole person who also has many strengths.
These five mindsets work together. Curiosity and listening without warmth can leave someone feeling understood but not loved. Warmth without genuine attention can leave them feeling cared for but not truly known. When you offer all five, you create the conditions for feeling deeply loved.